Drishtidan

 

I have heard that many Bengali girls these days have to find husbands by themselves. So did I but with the help of God. I had done many vows and many shiva pujas since my childhood.

 I was married before I was eight years old. But due to the sins of my previous birth, I did not fully get such a husband. Mother Trinayani took my two eyes. She did not have the happiness of seeing her husband till the last moment of her life.

 My ordeal started in childhood. I gave birth to a stillborn child before I was fourteen years old; I came close to death, but why should he die who has to suffer? The oil for the lamp is not short; The burning of the night, but his nirvana.

I survived, but because of the weakness of my body, the anger of my mind, or for whatever reason, my eyes were hurt.

 My husband was studying medicine then. He was happy when he got an opportunity to treat with the enthusiasm of new education. He started my treatment himself.

 Grandfather used to study in college saying that he would give B-L that year. She came one day and said to my husband, 'What are you doing?' Kumu's eyes that you are sitting to ruin. Find a good doctor.'

 My husband said, 'What will the good doctor come and do the new treatment. The prescriptions are all known.'

 Dada said angrily, 'But there is no difference between you and your college professor.'

 Swami said, 'You study law, do you understand medicine? When you get married, if there is ever a dispute over your wife's property, will you follow my advice.'

 I thought to myself, if there is a war between the king and the king, Ulukhar is the most dangerous. Grandfather has a dispute with his husband, but I am the one who is playing from both sides. I thought again, why do you take responsibility for me and share all this when my grandfather has given me a gift. My happiness and sorrow, my sickness and health, all belong to my husband.

On that day, my grandfather and my husband had a little change of heart with this little eye treatment of mine. My eyes watered easily, my tears increased; Neither my husband nor grandfather understood the real reason.

 

When my husband went to college, in the afternoon suddenly grandfather came with a doctor. The doctor checked and said, if you are not careful, there is a possibility that the pain will be serious Saying that he wrote down all the medicines, Dada immediately sent for them.

 

When the doctor left, I said to Dada, 'Dada, fall on your feet, don't disturb my treatment.'

 

I was very afraid of my grandfather since childhood; To be able to open up and say something to him is a wonder for me. But, I understood very well, my evil book is not good for the treatment that my grandfather is giving me while hiding my husband.

 

Dada was also somewhat surprised by my profundity. After thinking silently for a while, he finally said, 'Well, I will not bring the doctor, but the medicine that comes will be consumed according to the rules.' After the medicine arrived, grandfather explained to me the rules of its use and left. Before my husband came from the college, I took the vial and carefully threw all the rules into the yard of our premises.

 

After some conversation with my grandfather, my husband started treating my eyes with more double effort. Every now and then the medicine started changing. I put on eye drops, glasses, put medicine in my eyes, applied powders, ate smelly fish oil and kept suppressing the internal digestive system when it tried to come out. The husband used to ask, how are you feeling? I would say, much better. I tried to think that things were going well. When there was a lot of water, I used to think that it was a good sign for the water to break; When the water stopped falling, I thought, I am standing on the road to recovery.

 

But after some time the pain became unbearable. My vision started to blur and the headache wouldn't let me sit still. I saw that my husband has also become a genius. After such a long time, you can't imagine what kind of doctor you will call.

 

I told him, 'What's wrong with calling a doctor once to save my grandfather's mind. He is futilely angry with this, it hurts me. You will do the treatment, it is better to have a doctor.'

 

Swami said, 'You are right.' Saying this, he brought an English doctor that day. I don't know what was said but it seemed as if the gentleman reprimanded my husband; He stood in silence.

 

When the doctor left, I held my husband's hand and said, 'Where did you get a white-ass cow from? You should have brought a native doctor. Will you understand my eye disease better than you?'

 

The husband was a bit frustrated and said, 'It is necessary to wear a weapon on the eyes.'

 

I pretended to be a little angry and said, 'we have to make weapons, you know that but you have hidden it from me from the beginning. What do you think, I fear.'

 

The shame of the husband was removed; He said, 'There are so many brave men among men who do not fear when they hear that they have to put weapons on their eyes.'

 

I jokingly said, 'A man's valor is only with his wife.'

 

The husband immediately became faintly serious and said, 'That's right. A man's pride is only essence.'

 

I blew off his seriousness and said, 'Even with pride, you can be with girls? We win in that too.'

 

In the meantime, when Dada came, I called Dada and said, 'Dada, following your doctor's instructions, my eyes were fine for a long time, but one day I mistakenly applied edible medicine to my eyes, and since then, my eyes have become blurred. My husband says, the weapon will have to be done in the eyes.'

 

Dada said, 'I thought your husband's treatment was going on, that's why I didn't come so angry.'

 

I said, 'No, I was secretly following the doctor's orders, not telling my husband, lest he get angry.'

 

If you take the birth of a woman, you have to tell so many lies! I can't hurt my grandfather's heart, I can't harm my husband's life either. Being a mother you have to forget the child in your lap, being a wife you have to forget the child's father - girls need so much deception.

 

The result of the deception was that I got to see my grandfather and my husband meet before going blind. Dada thought that this accident happened while going to do secret medicine; Swami thought that it would have been better to have listened to my grandfather's advice in the beginning. Thinking this, the two repentant hearts inwardly begged for forgiveness and came very close to each other. Husband started taking advice from Dada, Dada also humbly expressed his trust in my husband's opinion in all matters.

 

Finally, on the advice of both of them, an English doctor came one day and stabbed my left eye. The weak eye couldn't recover from the injury, its weak light was suddenly extinguished. After that, the rest of the eye also became covered in darkness day by day. The veil fell forever upon the sandal-clad youth that had first appeared before me on the day of the auspicious day of my childhood.

 

One day my husband came to my bed side and said, 'I will not brag to you anymore, I have ruined your eyes.'

 

I saw tears in his voice. I pressed his right hand with both hands and said, 'You have done enough, you have taken your things. Think what comfort I would have had if my eye had been destroyed by the treatment of a doctor. No one could have saved my eyes when the fate did not break, that eye has gone to your hands, this is the only happiness of my blindness. When the flowers fell less in the puja, Ramachandra plucked out his two eyes and went to give them to the deity. I gave my vision to my god--My full moon's aura, my dawn's light, My sky's blue, my earth's green I gave to thee; Tell me what pleases your eyes, and I will accept it as the gift of your eyes.'

 

I can't say so much, I can't even say it like that; I have been thinking about these things for a long time. Sometimes when depression came, the brightness of devotion faded, I felt deprived, sad and unfortunate, then I used to say these things with my mind; By resorting to this peace, this devotion, I tried to lift myself higher than my sorrow. On that day, I was able to explain my feelings to him in a few words and in silence. He said, 'Kumu, I can't give you back what I have wasted by being stupid, but I will be with you as far as I can by relieving the lack of your eyes.'

 

I said, 'He is of no use. I will not give you anything to make your house a hospital for the blind. You will have to marry again.'

 

Before explaining why marriage is absolutely necessary, I had to hold my voice a little. A little Kashia, a little Samala and I was going to say, at that time my husband said in an excited emotion, 'I am stupid, I am arrogant, but I am not a bigot by saying so. I have blinded you with my own hands, and if I finally abandon you for that fault and take another wife, I swear by our god Gopinath, may I be guilty of brahma and patricide.'

 

I would not have allowed such a big oath, I would have prevented it, but tears were pouring out of my chest, pressing my voice, closing my eyes, trying to fall; I could not speak remembering him. After hearing what he said, I buried my face in the pillow and cried out of great joy. I am blind, yet he will not leave me. Keep me in your heart like the sorrow of a sad person. I don't want so much luck, but I'm selfish.

 

Finally, when the first tear fell quickly, I pulled his face to my chest and said, 'Why did you take such a terrible oath. Did I ask you to marry for your own happiness? I used to fulfill my interests by giving Satin. I used to do what you couldn't do yourself because of lack of eyes!'

 

The husband said, 'The maid does the work too. Can I marry a slave girl for convenience of work and sit with this goddess of mine?' Biya lifted my face and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead; It was as if my third eye was opened by that kiss, and at that moment I was anointed into divinity. I thought to myself, that's good. When I am blind, I can no longer be a housewife of this external family, now I will rise above the world and become a goddess and bless my husband. No more lies, no deceit, I removed all the pettiness and hypocrisy of the housewife.

 

On that day, a dispute started with myself. Obliged by a solemn oath that the husband could not marry a second time under any circumstances, this joy kept stinging in his mind; I couldn't get rid of him. And the new goddess who has appeared in me said, 'Perhaps the day may come when you marry instead of keeping this vow and your husband will be well.' But the old woman in me said, 'So be it, but he cannot marry when he has sworn.' Devi said, 'So be it, but you have no reason to be happy about it.' Manabi said, 'All understood, but when he swore' etc. That one thing over and over again. The goddess then only frowned unanswerably and my whole heart was enveloped in the darkness of a terrible apprehension.

 

My repentant husband forbade the maidservant and decided to do all my work himself. Such unrelenting dependence on her husband even for trivial matters felt good at first. Because, by doing so, I always got him close. As I did not see him in the eyes, the desire to always be near him increased greatly. The portion of Swamisukh that fell to my eyes, now the other senses tried to increase their share. Now, if my husband is working outside for a long time, I feel as if I am living in a void, I am not able to hold anything anywhere, as if I have lost everything. Previously, when my husband went to college, if I was late, I used to open the window facing the road and look for the way. The world in which he roamed I kept bound to myself by the eyes. Today all my sightless body strives to seek Him. The main pillar of my world along with his world is broken today. Now between him and me is a double layer of blindness; Now I have only to sit in helpless agony, when will he come to me from his side. So now, when he leaves me for a moment, my whole blind body rises up to catch him, crying out for him.

 

But so much desire, so much dependence is not good. The burden of the wife on the husband is enough for this, I cannot impose the huge burden of blindness on him. I will bear this darkness of my world. I solemnly vowed that I would not bind my husband with this eternal blindness of mine.

 

In a short time I learned to perform all my habitual actions by sound-smell-touch alone. I was even able to perform many of my household chores with greater skill than before. Now it seems that vision distracts us from our work more than it helps us. As much as you can see, the work is good, the eye sees more than that. And when the eye is watchful, the ear becomes lazy, and listens less than it should. Now in the absence of the restless eye all the senses began to do their duty for me calmly and completely.

 

Now I didn't let my husband do any of my work, and I started doing all his work again as before.

 

Swamike said to me, 'You are depriving me of my atonement.'

 

I said, 'I do not know what your atonement is, but why should I add to the burden of my sins?'

 

Anyway, he was breathing when I released him. It is not the duty of a man to take a lifelong vow of service to a blind wife.

 

My husband passed the medical examination and went to Mufaswal with me.

 

When I came to Paragaon, I felt as if I had come to my mother's heart. I left the village and came to the city when I was eight years old. Already in ten years, the native land had become vague in my mind like a shadow. As long as I could see, the city of Calcutta stood around me, hiding all memories. As soon as my eyes went, I realized that Calcutta is only a city where the eyes are forgotten, not the mind is filled with it. As soon as I lost my sight, the Palligram of my childhood shone brightly in my mind like a star at night.

 

At the end of Agrahayan we went to Hasimpur. A new country, I did not understand what it was like to look around, but the smell and feeling of my childhood surrounded me all around. The morning breeze from the dew-drenched newly-cultivated fields, the golden-poured aroma and the air-filling soft fragrance of the mustard-fields, the song of the shepherd, even the sound of the bullock carts over the broken road, thrilled me. The past memory of my early life surrounded me like a present with its indescribable sounds and smells; The blind eye could not protest him. I went back to that childhood, only to find my mother. I could see in my mind, grandmother untangling her rare locks of hair and throwing pills in the courtyard with her back to the sun, but I couldn't hear the hum of our village saint Bhajan Das's body song in that soft trembling old weak voice; The festival of Navanna rose alive in the winter dew-bathed sky; But where did my small pallisangini gathering go in the crowd of new paddy huts in Dhenkishal! In the evening, I heard a hum from somewhere far away, then I remembered that my mother was going to light the cows with a lamp in her hand; At the same time, the smell of wet grass and hay-burning smoke penetrates the heart and I hear the sound of bells coming from the Thakurbari of Vidyalankars on the banks of the pond. It is as if someone has squeezed out all the material and parts of my eight years of childhood and has collected only its juice and smell around me.

 

Along with this I remembered the vows of my childhood and worshiping Shiva with flowers at dawn. It has to be admitted that, in the chaos of Calcutta's negotiations, the mind is a little disturbed. There is no pure simplicity in devotional service. I remember the day when a friend of mine who lived in Calcutta came to me after going blind and said, 'Are you angry, Kumu? I would not have seen the face of such a husband.' I said, 'Brother, seeing the face is not allowed, that's why I am angry with this burnt eye, but why should I be angry with my husband.' Lavanya was very angry with my husband for not calling the doctor on time and tried to make me angry too. I explained to him that while living in the world, there are various kinds of happiness and sorrow happening through desire, unwillingness, knowledge, ignorance, mistake; But if we can keep devotion in mind then there is a peace even in sorrow, otherwise life is spent only in angry grumbling. I have become blind, this is enough grief, after that why should I increase the burden of grief by hating my husband. Lavanya got angry and shook her head contemptuously after hearing old-fashioned words from the mouth of a girl like me. But whatever I say, there is poison in words, words never fail. The words of anger from Lavanya's mouth threw two sparks in my mind, I stomped them and extinguished them, but still two scars remained. So I was saying, there were many arguments, many talks in Calcutta; There, gradually the intellect ripens prematurely and becomes difficult.

 

Coming to Paragaon, all the hopes and beliefs of my heart became fresh and bright like those of my childhood when I smelled the cool Shiuliflower of that Shiva worship. My heart and my family were filled with God. I fell in despair. I said, 'Oh god, my eyes are gone, you are mine.'

 

Oops, said it wrong. You are mine, this is also a matter of competition. I'm yours, that's all I have the right to say. Ogo, one day my god will tell me this by pressing his voice. Nothing may remain, but I must remain. There is no force on anyone; Only on yourself.

 

Some time was spent quite happily. My husband's reputation in medicine also felt at home. He also had some money in hand.

 

But money is not a good thing. The mind is overwhelmed by it. When the mind rules, it can create your happiness, but when wealth takes over the burden of happiness, the mind has no more work to do. At that time, the place where the happiness of the mind used to be was the arrangement of things and furniture. Then only material things are available instead of happiness.

 

I can't mention any special words or special events, but I could understand the change in my husband with the improvement of the situation, saying that the blind has more sensitivity, or I don't know what the reason is. The painful feeling my husband had about right and wrong in his youth seemed to become numb every day. I remember, he used to say one day, 'I am not only studying medicine for livelihood, I can benefit many poor people.' The doctors who came to poor Mumursu's door and did not want to see the pulse without making an advance visit would speak of them and he would be speechless with hatred. I can understand, now that day is gone. To save the life of the only son the poor woman clutches his legs: he ignores it; In the end, I sent him to treatment with a head spell, but it didn't work with the mind. I know how my husband viewed ill-gotten gains when we had little money. But now there was a lot of money in the bank, now the clerk of a rich man came and talked with him secretly for two days, what he said I know nothing, but after that when he came to me, with great cheerfulness he talked about many other things, Then I understood by the touch power of my heart, he has come today to remove the stigma.

 

Where is my husband whom I last saw before I went blind? What could I do to him who one day anointed me as a goddess with a kiss between my sightless eyes. One day a rippur storm comes and those who fall suddenly can get up again with another heartbeat, but day by day it becomes hard from inside the marrow, growing outside and crushing the heart. can't find

 

My separation from my husband is nothing; But the inside of the soul gasps when I think, I am not there where he is; I am blind, sitting in the lightless heart of the world, with the fresh love of my first age, unbroken devotion, unbroken faith--the dew of the head which I offered at the beginning of my life in the temple of God has not yet dried; And, my husband has left this shadowy land of eternal innovation and disappeared into the desert of the world in pursuit of money! What I believe in, what I call religion, what I know as the greatest of all happiness and wealth, He looks at it with a smile from afar. But one day this separation was not, in the first age we started the journey in the same way; After that, he could not know when the path began to diverge; I can't know either; Finally today I no longer call him and get no response.

 

I think once in a while, maybe because I am blind, I see little things too much. If I had eyes, I might have known the world exactly as it is.

 

My husband explained it to me one day. That morning an old Muslim came to call on him to treat his granddaughter's fever. I heard him say, 'Father, I am poor, but Allah will bless you.' My husband said, 'I don't care about what Allah will do, let me hear what you will do first.' As soon as I heard, I thought, God has blinded me, but why not deaf. The old man said 'O Allah' with a deep sigh and left. I immediately called him to the Khirkidwar of Antapur; I said, 'Father, I have given you some of the doctor's expenses for your granddaughter, please pray for my husband's well-being and call Harish doctor from the neighborhood.'

 

But all day the food did not taste in my mouth. Swami woke up from his sleep in the afternoon and asked, 'Why do I see you upset?' The usual answer of yesteryear came in a mouth-- 'No, nothing happened; But the time of deception has passed, I clearly said, 'how long I think I will tell you, but I can't think of what to say. I don't know if I can explain what is in my heart, but surely you can understand in your mind, as we both started life together, today it is separated.' Swami laughed and said, 'Change is the religion of the world.' I said, 'Money and beauty change everything, but nothing is permanent.' Then she became a little serious and said, 'Look, other women are sad because of the lack of truth - some do not earn a husband, some do not love a husband, you bring sorrow from the sky.' I understood at once, that blindness had put a shadow in my eyes and taken me out of this changing world; I am not like other women, my husband will not understand me.

 

Meanwhile, one of my sister-in-laws came from the country to bring news of her nephew. As soon as we both bowed to him, he said in the first word, 'Say, woman, you are sitting with two eyes missing from your forehead, now how can you make us cry for our indestructible blind wife. Give him another wedding!' If the husband had jokingly said, 'That's quite a bitch, don't make a fuss after seeing it'- then everything would have been clear. But he became frustrated and said, 'Ah, Pisima, what are you talking about?' 'Why,' replied Picia, 'what is wrong? Well, you tell the wife, son.' I laughed and said, 'Psima, you seek advice from a good man. Who consents to the one whose knot is to be cut?' Pisima replied, 'Yes, that is correct. That, I will consult you secretly, what did you say, Abinash. Let me also say, wife, the higher the satin of a noble's daughter, the greater her husband's glory. If our son got married without doing medical, then what was Usha's idea of ​​earning. The patient dies when he falls into the hands of the doctor, and if he dies, he does not visit again, but the curse of the god does not cause the death of a nobleman's wife, and as long as she lives, her husband benefits.'

 

After two days, my husband asked Pisima in front of me, 'Pisima, can you show me a woman from a noble house who can help her wife like a relative? He doesn't see eye to eye, I can rest assured if he always has a partner.' When I was newly blind, I used to say this, but now I don't know what is the special inconvenience of lack of eyes or gharkanna; But instead of protesting, I remained silent. Pisima said, 'What is the lack. I have a daughter of Vasura, as beautiful as Lakshmi. The girl grew old, waiting only in anticipation of a suitable home; If he finds a noble like you, he will give you a marriage.' The husband was shocked and said, 'Who is talking about marriage.' Pisima said, 'Oma, if you don't get married, will the daughter of a noble house come to your house like that and stay there.' The word was coherent and the husband could not give him any reply.

 

I stood alone in the eternal darkness of my closed eyes and began to cry out, 'God save my husband.'

 

A few days after that, one day in the morning when I came out in my puja-ahnik saree, Pisima said, 'Woman, our Hemangini, whom I was talking about, has come from the country today. Himu, this is your sister, bow down to her.'

 

At that time, my husband came suddenly as if seeing a strange woman and was motivated to go back. Pisima said, 'Where do you go, Avinash.' Swami asked, 'Who is this?' Pisima said, 'This girl is my Vasurji Hemangini.' When it was brought, who brought it, and on what account, my husband Baramba began to express many unnecessary surprises.

 

I said to myself, 'I understand everything that has happened, but on top of that, the deception started again. Hiding, covering up, lies! If you have to commit adharma, then do it for your own turbulent instincts, but why do it for me? Why lie to forget me.'

 

I took Hemangini's hand and took her to my bedroom. I put my hand on his face and saw him, his face will be beautiful, his age will not be less than fourteen.

 

The girl suddenly burst into a sweet high-pitched laugh; He said, 'What are you doing? Will my ghost be swept away?'

 

In that open and simple laughter, a dark cloud between us was cut in an instant. I wrapped my right arm around his voice and said, 'I see you, brother.' Saying that, I shook my hand once more on his soft face.

 

'See?' He started laughing again. Said, 'Am I the bean or eggplant of your garden that you see how big I have grown?'

 

Then I suddenly thought that Hemangini does not know that I am blind. I said, 'Sister, I am blind.' Hearing this, he was surprised for a while and remained serious. I could quite understand, with his curious young eyes, he watched my sightless eyes and facial expression with attention; After that he said, 'Oh, so I understand that you have brought Kaki here?'

 

I said, 'No, I didn't call. Your aunt has come.'

 

The girl smiled again and said, 'Please? Then Dayamayi did not move quickly. But why did father send me here?'

 

At that time Pisima entered the house. All this time she was talking with my husband. On coming home, Hemangini said, 'Aunty, tell me when we will return home.'

 

Pisima said, 'Oma! Just come and go. I have never seen such a fickle girl.'

 

Hemangini said, 'Aunty, I don't see you moving away from here soon. That, this is your relative's house, as long as you are happy, I will leave, I am telling you that.' Saying this, he held my hand and said, 'What do you say, brother, you are not really mine.' I pulled her close to my chest without giving any answer to her simple question. I saw that no matter how strong Pisima was, he could not handle this girl. Pisima tried to caress Hemangini without showing anger openly; He threw it away as if from his body. Pisima dismissed the whole matter as a mockery of a sweet girl and went away laughing. Thinking again, he came back and said to Hemangini, 'Himu, come on, it's time for your bath.' He came to me and said, 'We will both go to the ghat, what do you say, brother.' Pisima gave in reluctantly; He knew that Hemangini would win if there was a tug-of-war and the conflict between them would be exposed in front of me in an ugly way.

 

As I was going to Khidki Ghat, Hemangini asked me, 'Why don't you have a boy pool?' I smiled and said, 'Why, how can I know it, God has not given it.' Hemangini said, 'Of course, you had some sin inside you.' I said, 'Antaryami knows that too.' The girl said as a proof, 'Look, there is so much crookedness inside Faki that a child cannot be born in her womb.' I myself do not understand the theory of sin, happiness, sorrow, and punishment, nor did I understand the girl; Just took a breath and said to him, you know! Hemangini immediately hugged me and laughed and said, 'Oma, even listening to me, you are breathless! Someone understands my words.'

 

I saw that my husband's medical business started to suffer. If you are called far away, you don't go, even if you go somewhere near, you come quickly. Earlier when he stayed at home after work, he only came indoors during mid-day meals and naps. Now Pisima also called from time to time, he also came with unnecessary news of Pisima. When Pisima calls out and says 'Himu, bring my drinking bowl', I can understand that my husband has come to Pisima's house. On the first day or two, Hemangini used to take water bowls, oil bowls, vermilion sticks etc. But, when he received a call after that, he would not budge, he would send the ordered goods with his bare hands. PC used to call out, 'Hemangini, himu, himi'--the girl was holding me with a feeling of pity for me; An apprehension and sadness gripped him. After this, she did not even mention my husband to me.

 

Already my grandfather came to see me. I knew, grandfather's eyes are sharp. It would be almost impossible to hide from him what was going on. My grandfather is a very strict judge. He does not know how to forgive the slightest injustice. My greatest fear was that my husband would stand before her as a criminal. I was overwhelmed by the excess of cheerfulness. I talked too much, got too busy, and tried to stir up a lot of dust. But, it was so unusual for me that it caught me even more. But, Dada could not stay long, my husband began to show such restlessness that it took the form of open cruelty. Grandfather left. He laid his trembling hand long upon my head, with full affection, before parting; I could understand what he blessed with concentration in his heart; His tears fell on my tear-streaked forehead.

 

I remember, that day in the evening of Chaitra month, people were going back home at the bar of the market. A storm is coming with rain from afar, its soil-wet smell and the humidity of the air pervading the sky; The estranged companions are calling to each other in the dark field. In the blind's bedroom, the lamp is not lit as long as I am alone, lest the flame catch the clothes or cause an accident. I was sitting on the floor in that lonely dark room with folded hands and calling out to the Lord of my infinite darkness, saying, 'Lord, when I don't feel your kindness, when I don't understand your intentions, then hold this orphaned heart's sledgehammer with both hands dearly; Blood comes out through the chest, but I can't handle the storm; How much more will you test me, tell me how much.' Tears welled up on this occasion, I put my head on the bed and started crying. Have to do housework all day. Hemangini is close like a shadow, the tears that fill up inside the chest, she does not have time to shed. Tears came out today after a long time. At that time, I saw that the bed moved a little, there was a sound of people walking and after a moment Hemangini came and grabbed my neck and started to wipe my eyes silently. I could not know when he came and slept in the bed thinking about what he was thinking at the beginning of the evening. He did not ask a single question, nor did I say anything to him. He slowly moved his cold hand to my forehead. I could not understand when a storm broke out, accompanied by thunder and torrential rain; After a long time a sweet peace came and soothed my fevered heart.

 

The next day, Hemangini said, 'Aunty, if you don't go home, I will go with my grandfather, I will keep it.' Pisima said, 'What's the matter, I'm going tomorrow too; We must go together. Look, Himu, how my Avinash has bought for you a pearl-studded ring.' Balia proudly handed the Pisima ring to Hemangini. Hemangini said, 'Look aunty, how beautiful I can look.' Baliya looked out of the window and threw the ring in the middle of the pond. Pisima got up with anger, sadness and surprise. He took me by the hand and said, 'Wife, don't call Avinash a newsman about this boyishness; My son would be sad if that happened. Eat your head, woman.' I said, 'You don't have to say anything Pisima, I won't say anything.'

 

The next day, before the journey, Hemangini held me and said, 'Didi, remember me.' I put both hands on her face and said, 'The blind do not forget anything, sister; I don't have a world, I only exist with my mind.' I took his head and kissed it once. My tears fell in his hair.

 

When Hemangini departed, my world became dry-- The fragrance, beauty, music, the bright light and the tender youth she had brought into my life were gone. Once all my family, around me, stretched out my hands, and saw where I was! My husband came and showed special cheerfulness and said, 'They are gone, now they are saved, they will have leisure to do some work.' Woe to me. Why so clever for me. Am I afraid of the truth? Have I ever feared injury? Doesn't my husband know, I calmly accepted my eternal darkness when I gave two eyes!

 

Until now there was only a gap of blindness between me and my husband, from today another gap was created. My husband Bhulia never uttered Hemangini's name to me, as if Hemangini had completely disappeared from his family, as if she had never left a trace there. But I could easily feel that he was always informed by letters; Just as the lotus stalks are strained when the floodwaters enter a pond, so the day when there is a little swelling within it - I can feel you from the core of my heart. When he got the news and when he didn't, I had no idea. But, I could not correct him. My soul longed to know and discuss the maddened, brilliant, beautiful star that had risen for a moment in my dark heart, but my husband had no right to name her for a moment. Between us there was a silence full of words and pain.

 

One day in the middle of the month of Baisakh, Jhi came and asked me, 'Mathakurun, the boats are being prepared for the many preparations at the ghat, where are you going to Babamsha?' I knew what a venture was going on; For the first few days in my vision was the calm before the storm, and then the scattered cloud of the deluge, and I could perceive that Shankar the Destroyer was gathering all his deluge power upon my head with the gesture of a silent finger. I said to Zhi, 'Where, I haven't received any news yet.' Zhi didn't dare to ask any more questions and left with a sigh.

 

Many nights my husband came and said, 'I have been called to a distant place, I have to leave early tomorrow morning. There may be a delay of a day or two in returning.'

 

I stood up from the bed and said, 'Why are you lying to me?'

 

My husband said in a trembling voice, 'Mithya ki bolilam.'

 

I said, 'You are going to get married!'

 

He remained silent. I also stood still. There was no sound in the room for a long time. Finally I said, 'Give me an answer. Say, yes, I am going to get married.'

 

He echoed, 'Yes, I am going to get married.'

 

I said, 'No, you can't go. I will protect you from this great sin. If I can't do this, why am I your wife; Why did I worship Shiva?'

 

Again the house remained silent for a long time. I fell on the ground and held my husband's legs and said, 'What crime have I committed against you, what have I done wrong, what do you need in another wife. Eat your head, tell the truth.'

 

Then my husband slowly said, 'Truthfully, I am afraid of you. Your blindness has covered you in an eternal veil, into which I cannot enter. You are my god, you are terrible as my god, I can't do housework without you every day. I want a little lady whom I will sneer at, make angry with, make love to, and make jewels for.'

 

'Look at the slit inside my chest! I'm a little lady, I'm not that newly wed girl book in mind; I want to believe, to trust, to worship; Do not make me greater than you by humiliating yourself and making me miserable--put me under your feet in all things.

 

Do I remember what I said? Does the angry sea hear its own roar? I just remembered saying, 'If I am a chaste God is witness, you cannot violate your religious vows. Before that great sin, either I will become a widow, or Hemangini will not survive.' Saying this I fainted and fell down.

 

When I passed out, the late birds had not yet begun to call and my husband had left.

 

I closed the door in Tagore's house and sat in worship. All day I did not leave the house. In the evening, the Kalbaisakhi storm shook the building. I did not say, 'O Tagore, my husband is now in the river, save him.' I just kept saying to myself, 'Tagore, whatever happens in my eyes, but stop my husband from being a Mahapataka.' All night passed. I did not leave the seat even the next day. I don't know who gave me balls in this insomnia and hunger, I was sitting in front of the stone statue like a stone statue.

 

In the evening, door-kicking started from outside. When someone broke the door and entered the house, I fainted.

 

I faintly heard, 'Didi.' I saw that I was lying on Hemangini's lap. As he shook his head, his new hair became crispy. Ha Thakur, do not hear my prayer. My husband fell.

 

Hemangini lowered her head and said slowly, 'Didi, I have come to take your blessings.'

 

At first I was like a tree, and then I sat up; I said, 'Why not bless, sister. What is your crime?'

 

Hemangini laughed at his sweet high voice; Said, 'crime! It's not a crime if you get married, and it's a crime if I do it?'

 

I also smiled holding Hemangini. I said to myself, is my prayer final in the world? His will is not the end. Let the wound fall on my head, but do not let it fall in the heart where my religion, my faith is. I will remain as I was.

 

Hemangini fell at my feet and dusted my feet. I said, 'May you be eternally fortunate, eternally happy.'

 

Hemangini said, 'Not only a blessing, but I and your sister-in-law should be accepted by your wife. It will not work if you shame him. If you allow, I will bring him to Anthapura.'

 

I said, 'Bring it.'

 

After a while a new word entered my room. I heard the affectionate question, 'How are you, Kumu?'

 

I got up from the bed and prostrated at his feet and said, 'Dada!'

 

Hemangini said, 'Dada what is it. Listen, you little sister-in-law.'

 

Then I understood everything. I knew that grandfather had vowed not to marry; No mother, there was no one to persuade him to marry. Now I gave him his marriage. Water started pouring out of both eyes, nothing can stop it. Grandfather slowly ran his hand through my hair; Hemangini hugged me and just smiled.

 

There was no sleep at night; I anxiously awaited my husband's departure. I could not decide how he would remember the shame and despair.

 

Many nights the door was opened too late. I sat up startled. My husband's password. The heart started pounding in the chest.

 

He came into the bed and held my hand and said, 'Your grandfather has saved me. I was going to die in a momentary infatuation. When I got into the boat that day, what kind of stone was pressed in my chest, Antaryami knows; When I fell into the storm in the river, I was afraid of my life, and I thought that I would be saved only if I drowned. On reaching Mathurganj, I heard that Hemangini got married to your grandfather the day before. I cannot say with what shame and with what joy I returned to the boat. In these few days I have surely understood that I have no happiness without you. You are my goddess.'

 

I smiled and said, 'No, I have no business being a goddess, I am the housewife of your house, I am just a little woman.'

 

Swami said, 'I also have a request for you. Never call me a god again.'

 

The next day, the neighborhood erupted with cheers and conch sounds. Hemangini began to mock my husband in various ways, morning and night; There was no limit to the torture, but where he went, what happened, no one mentioned him.

 

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